5 Communication Habits That Lead To Divorce | World of Psychology

This guest article from YourTango was written by Deb Dutilh.

Studies show that a lack of communication is the number one reason couples break up or get divorced. Nagging is a major culprit ? relentless reminders, suggestions and advice on how, when and why we should do things.

But what are some of the other bad communication habits that erode away at couples?

1. Being Inauthentic.

How many times do you catch yourself saying ?yes? when you really mean ?no?? Do you say, ?I don?t know? for fear of being judged, dismissed or rejected? When we systematically accept things against our will, shut down to keep the peace and rationalize why that?s okay, we set ourselves up for resentment and anger down the line.

Covering up our feelings and not trusting our partner to be mature enough to manage their response to ?no? just won?t work. It?s better to say, ?No, I?m not available to discuss this right now. I need to unwind and think about it. I?ll be ready to talk about it in an hour.? Then keep your promise.

2. Incongruence.

Most of our communication is non-verbal, and when it?s out of sync with our words, we are sending mixed messages. No wonder couples argue, get frustrated and eventually tune each other out!

When we say one thing while rolling our eyes, tightening our lips and/or shrugging shoulders, we send another message, usually one of being dismissive, defensive and/or judgmental. One way to avoid this is to maintain eye contact. This ensures active listening and allows you to focus on what the other person is saying instead of considering what you are planning on saying next.

3. Win-lose attitude.

In the world of neuro-linguistic programming, we say that effective communication is when your message is not simply sent, but transmitted and received by the listener. When talking about uncomfortable subjects, it?s too easy to become judgmental, blaming and defensive ? tactics that all lead to communication breaking down.

Priding yourself on being a pit-bull, taking things personally, finger-pointing, finding fault, and needing to have the last word, well, it just doesn?t work. Instead, set your intention for how you want the conversation to go so both of you win and take some time to really think about all the different possibilities and outcomes. Creating a peace treaty together that sets up the guidelines for communication to ensure smooth, respectful and authentic communication is a great tool.

4. Interrupting, finishing sentences and forgetting to pause.

This is a bundle because when you have one you almost always have the other two as well. How many of us have forgotten what we learned in grammar school? Don?t interrupt and let the other person take time to formulate an answer. On this level, men and women communicate so differently.

Men often complain that they are still thinking about an answer when their partner starts badgering them for a quicker response or asks another question while they are still thinking about the last one. Take time to pause by counting to 30 before saying anything at all and don?t ask several questions at once. And while you?re at it, do as we do in France: Roll your tongue around your mouth seven times before you speak.

You might look like a cow chewing your cud but it forces you to slow down and really think about what you?re going to say. It might even get a smile in an otherwise tense situation, but at least your partner will feel respected and know that you?re patiently giving him to time to respond.

5. Focusing on the negative, and impoliteness.

Somewhere along the way, the idea of polite requests, please, thank you and other words of appreciation in everyday conversations have gone the way of the Smith-Corona typewriter. From the classic, ?Don?t leave the toilet seat up!? to ?How long does it take to empty the trash?? ? these commands are the quickest way to send a man to his man cave.

Instead, adopt this simple one-liner that will train any man to jump up and help. ?Honey, I feel like a queen when you see the trash can is full and take it out for me! Thank you so much for doing that!? There?s nothing wrong with a little over the top appreciation which always works and is the best way to foster open, loving authentic communication.

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????Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 14 Dec 2012
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APA Reference
Experts, Y. (2012). 5 Communication Habits That Could Lead to a Breakup. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 18, 2012, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/12/17/5-communication-habits-that-could-lead-to-a-breakup/

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Source: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/12/17/5-communication-habits-that-could-lead-to-a-breakup/

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RHA MA450i

You're not likely to find a sonic masterpiece in the $50 earphone realm, but one company is at least raising the bar significantly higher. At $49.95 (list), RHA's MA450i is the second offering from the manufacturer in the last year to exceed our expectations. Like its on-ear sibling, the RHA SA950i, the MA450i delivers deep bass frequencies at high volumes without any distortion?an uncommon feat in this price range. The MA450i also comes with a nice array of extra ear tips, an inline microphone, and controls for Apple iOS devices. Its audio performance can be a bit on the harsh side?high frequencies can sound overly boosted and bright, or even piercing at higher volumes. For the price, however, it delivers powerful audio that bass lovers on a budget should enjoy.

Design
Visually, RHA doesn't break any new boundaries with the MA450i's design, but its construction seems relatively sturdy for inexpensive earphones, and it has a simple black design with some metallic accents on the earpieces and inline remote. The cloth-covered cable is a nice visual touch, and should also be (slightly) less likely to tangle than a typical headphone cable.

A three-button Apple inline remote for iPods, iPads, and iPhones is included along the right earpiece's cable. It's simple to operate, and the built-in microphone's quality is not phenomenal, but your call partner will understand you just fine. To be fair, there are few microphone options for mobile phones that can overcome the audio clarity limitations of cellular service itself.

Also included with the MA450i: seven pairs of ear tips in various sizes. For this price range, that's well beyond the standard three or four pairs you're likely to receive.

Performance
At the $50 price level, RHA has again shown us that, while audio perfection is more or less impossible, that needn't mean things have to sound awful. First and foremost, the MA450i accomplishes a feat several pairs that cost hundreds more fail at?it does not distort on deep bass tracks.

Even at maximum volume (a very unsafe listening level, by the way), the MA450i cleanly delivers the Knife's "Silent Shout," a song with powerful, consistent sub-bass thuds. While there's no distortion, it's not because the MA450i shies away from deep bass response?it's easy to avoid sub-bass distortion if your drivers can't reproduce those frequencies. Instead, the MA450i delivers a robust low frequency response that should make bass lovers on a budget smile.

It would be easy for the sound signature to become a muddy mess with so much deep low-end presence, but RHA keeps things articulate and defined by sculpting and boosting the high-mid and high frequencies significantly. Sometimes, however, the high frequency boosting can be a bit too intense. Some of the higher frequencies are so tweaked and boosted that the high-mids and highs?where much percussion, guitar work, and vocals live?can sound pinched, and even harsh. The boosting works in the MA450i's favor occasionally, as on Bill Callahan's "Drover," where the added treble gives his unique baritone vocal delivery a more defined edge to help it stand out from the heavy, insistent beat of the kick drum.

The high frequency boost works less well in other scenarios. On Jay-Z and Kanye West's "No Church in the Wild," Frank Ocean's opening vocals sound overly sibilant, while the already treble-boosted attack of the kick drum loop can sound piercing at higher volumes. Basically, if a track already is mixed with lots of crisp treble edge, the MA450i can take things in an intensely bright direction, which can be unpleasant, particularly at high volumes.

On classical tracks like John Adams' "The Chairman Dances," the MA450i can sound a bit too bright?almost harsh?at times. The strings and higher-register wooden percussion have a treble edge that goes a few degrees beyond a nice crispness. The added low frequency response helps round things out a bit here, with the low register strings getting a nice bit of bass boost, along with the lower register percussion and drum hits, which are delivered with a pleasant thud that doesn't go overboard or sound unnatural.

In this price range, it's unrealistic to expect too much from your earphones. That the MA450i delivers deep bass at all is impressive. That is delivers it distortion-free is an even bigger deal. Yes, it can sound way too tweaked in the highs, but if you want real clarity and quality, you simply have to spend more.

One great way to get added value for spending the extra money is to invest in a pair with a removable?and thus replaceable?cable. The Shure SE215 provides solid audio performance and features a removable cable, so you can buy a replacement cable rather new earphones should the connection or cable fray or snap?a common issue. And, while its cable isn't removable, the AKG K 350 offers a more well-rounded audio performance than the MA450i for only about $20 more. If you feel that even $50 is too much to spend on earphones, there are other, less-expensive options, like the Apple EarPods?just don't expect more than what you're paying for.

More Headphone Reviews:
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Source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ziffdavis/pcmag/~3/95FBb_MOVqQ/0,2817,2413112,00.asp

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Chairman's USO Tour Show Entertains Troops in Afghanistan

Chairman's USO Tour Show Entertains Troops in Afghanistan

By Army Sgt. 1st Class Tyrone C. Marshall Jr.
American Forces Press Service

BAGRAM, Afghanistan, Dec. 17, 2012 ? The chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff greeted and praised troops at two U.S. bases in Afghanistan during his annual USO holiday tour show.

Army Gen. Martin E. Dempsey, along with his senior enlisted advisor, Marine Corps Sgt. Maj. Bryan B. Battaglia, and their spouses visited Bagram Airfield here, followed by a visit to Kandahar Airfield the following day, entertaining troops with what the general called ?some extraordinarily talented people.?

?They're great Americans, and they're patriots,? Dempsey told troops at Bagram. ?And they really care about you. They've given up their holidays. I'm actually very privileged to be traveling with them, and bringing them here to you tonight.?

Battaglia, who spoke after the chairman and before the start of the entertainment portion of the show, had a similar message for service members at both bases.

?As our 18th chairman said, it is, indeed, a privilege and honor to spend part of Christmas and the holiday season with you all,? he said. ?We'd love to stay here with you through Christmas, through New Years, you know we would.?

The sergeant major said while it's unfortunate that most of the troops are unable to be home with their families for the holidays, they are certainly not alone.

?While you're not at home or not able to be home with your biological family to spend the holiday season, you're here, by God, with your uniformed military family to spend it,? Battaglia said. ?And it doesn't get much better than that, right??

Both senior leaders used different, but effective methods, to energize the crowds. Battaglia led service members in a raucous chant of ?U-S-A,? while Dempsey highlighted the troops? individual pride of their units and branches of service.

?Those folks that the chairman are going to introduce you to, in just a minute here, are from a country that you love, they're from a country that you protect, and from a country in which you live,? Battaglia said. ?It's the USA, and that would be the most motivating force right now. Those three letters -- all in unison.?

Dempsey introduced each USO celebrity to kick off both shows. Washington Nationals Major League Baseball players Ross Detwiler and Craig Stammen; Matt Hendricks from the National Hockey League's Washington Capitals; comedian Iliza Schlesinger, winner of NBC's Last Comic Standing; and country music singer Kellie Pickler and her band performed on behalf of the USO.

Additionally, the chairman recognized USO President Sloan D. Gibson, and Shane Hudella of ?Defending the Blue Line,? an organization that donates hockey equipment to military families.

Following both shows, Dempsey showcased his own talent, serenading the packed venues with his rendition of singer Bing Crosby's ?A White Christmas.?

?It is Christmas and I hope that you had a few moments to remember that and to forget about everything else in your life right now,? the chairman said.

Dempsey also praised the troops for their service to the nation.

?I hope you know how proud we are of what you do every day for the country,? he said. ?We're proud of your service. You're all volunteers -- that includes the civilians out there that have come over here to help support the men and women in uniform. And we're really proud of you.?
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Source: http://www.defense.gov/news/newsarticle.aspx?id=118816

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Israel Kidnapped 173 Palestinians This Month

The Ahrar Center for Detainees Studies and Human Rights reported that Israeli soldiers kidnapped, since the beginning of this month until Tuesday December 18, 173 Palestinians in different parts of the occupied West Bank.

The center said that most of the arrests took place in Hebron district, in the southern part of the West Bank, as the soldiers kidnapped 45 Palestinians, in addition to 32 in Nablus, 24 in Bethlehem, 22 in Ramallah, 10 in Qalqilia, 9 in Tulkarem, 7 in Tubas and 4 in Jericho.

The Center further reported that Israeli soldiers have escalated their assaults and violations against nonviolent protests held in solidarity with hunger striking detainees in Israeli prisons, especially protests in solidarity with Ayman Sharawna and Samer Al-Eesawy.

It said that Israel is trying to silence and stop all protests that highlight the suffering of Palestinian political prisoners held by the occupation, and is ongoing with its escalation against the detainees and their families.

The Prisoners Support and Human Rights Association (Ad-Dameer) reported that by the beginning of this month, the number of Palestinians held by Israel arrived to 4656.

Ad-Dameer said that there are 178 detainees, including 7 elected members of parliament, are currently held under illegal Administrative Detention orders without charges, and that Israel is currently holding captive 11 women, 177 children, and 13 legislators.

There are 191 detainees who are from historic Palestine (the 1948 territory), and 439 from the Gaza Strip.

Also, there are 529 detainees serving life sentences, 456 detainees serving a sentence above 20 years, 23 who have been imprisoned for more than 25 years, 72 for more than 20 years, and 111 detainees who have been imprisoned before the first Oslo Agreement was signed in 1993.

This page can be viewed in
English

Source: http://www.imemc.org/article/64764

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PFT: Brees throws 4TDs as Saints blow out Bucs

Getty Images

Benching a quarterback who rarely turned the ball over and usually won was a tough call.

And at times during the 49ers? 41-34 win over the Patriots, it looked like it was going to backfire.

But for all the discussion about the transition from veteran Alex Smith to Colin Kaepernick under center, the man taking snaps almost doesn?t matter with the way the 49ers play defense.

The league?s top-ranked defense bludgeoned the league?s top-ranked offense for the first 35 minutes or so, making the Patriots look like they were the ones on the road in adverse conditions. They pressured Tom Brady. They forced turnovers. They made Wes Welker disappear.

That?s not defense. That?s magic.

The Patriots entered the game averaging 36.3 points and 425.7 yards per game, and they showed why while erasing a four-touchdown deficit to tie the game in the fourth quarter.

But the 49ers showed some resilience, taking that shot and answering, stopping Tom Brady at a point where it almost seemed fated to become another chapter in his legacy.

The shots they were doling out all night had a cumulative toll on the Patriots, who looked gassed at the end. The 49ers improved to 10-3-1 and clinched a playoff berth, and they proved they can come up with a stop, which will be helpful when they?re playing people not named Tom Brady.

Here are five more things we learned during Sunday Night Football:

1. Kaepernick does some amazing things. That?s why 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh made the change.

But he might also do things that shorten the season.

Like many young quarterbacks, he will lock onto his first read, and he will throw interceptions. That?s fine, when he?s playing with a lead. But at some point in the next month (actually next week), he?ll see defenses which make him pay for it more than occasionally.

And Frank Gore?s not always going to be there to pick up his fumbled snaps and carry them for touchdowns. He needs to play a cleaner game if the 49ers want to make good this potential.

Kaepernick can make big plays, but there were some troubling signs in the midst of the win.

2. Take away the simple fact the 49ers changed quarterbacks in mid-stream.?They are a nightmare to prepare for because of the way they?re constantly changing personnel.

From the modified pistol formation they which caters to Kaepernick?s skills to empty backfields to traditional two-tight end, one-back sets, they present a constant challenge.

It?s hard to match up when you don?t know where people are going to be, and having tight ends as varied as Vernon Davis and Delanie Walker makes it that much harder.

3. Devin McCourty looks completely at home playing safety.

If the Patriots had a few more players in their secondary as good at their jobs, they would be much better off. Since converting from cornerback, he?s made plays, and they badly needed someone in the middle of the defense who could.

4. You know what else the Patriots could use? A running back with better hands.

Stevan Ridley is talented enough, but you wonder how many more chances he?ll get when turns it over twice in a significant game.

There?s a reason the Patriots have been a home for wayward veterans like Kevin Faulk and others over the years. Trust is important to coach Bill Belichick, and Ridley just burned a good share of his tonight.

5. At different points in the last few weeks, the Packers and 49ers have taken turns looking like they might be the best team in the league.

But both teams have a quiet problem that could loom large in the postseason, with kickers they can?t trust enough.

The Packers keep propping up Mason Crosby, but it?s telling some of the kicks the 49ers don?t let David Akers try any more.

He?s been shaky on all but the short ones all year, and you can easily see it changing play-calling in a close game.

Source: http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2012/12/16/saints-blow-out-the-bucs/related

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China intellectuals urge party leaders to disclose wealth

BEIJING (Reuters) - About 65 Chinese academics, lawyers and human rights activists have signed an open letter demanding that top members of the ruling Communist Party reveal their financial assets, saying it is the most fundamental way to solve corruption.

The letter will be presented to parliament when it meets for its annual session in March, according to the Communist Party-run Global Times newspaper.

Petitions to China's parliament are usually ignored. But the public denunciation of corruption underscores the top challenge facing new party chief Xi Jinping, who has himself warned that if corruption were allowed to run wild, the party risked major unrest and the collapse of its rule.

The letter calls on the 205 newly named members of the party's Central Committee to divulge their personal wealth. The call follows a stream of scandals involving party members.

"This is the first step in fighting corruption", Hu Jia, a prominent rights activist who signed the letter, told Reuters by telephone.

"These 205 are the highest-level officials in China," said Hu, whose movements are restricted because of his rights activities and who was being confronted aggressively by police as he spoke to Reuters after venturing out of his home.

"They are the ones with the greatest risk of being involved in corruption. So we are calling on them to take the lead," Hu said.

A new Central Committee was named at the party's once-a-decade leadership handover last month. Xi took over as party chief and will become president at the National People's Congress, or parliament, in March.

The letter has drawn more than 1,000 signatures of support from members of the public, and more will be collected up until it is sent to parliament, the Global Times reported.

The year's biggest corruption scandal, involving former high-flying politician Bo Xilai, overshadowed the run-up to the leadership transition.

Bo was expelled from the party and faces possible charges of corruption and abuse of power, while his wife was jailed for involvement in the murder of a British businessman.

The incident was followed by several reports by the foreign media on the wealth of some top leaders, including Xi and Premier Wen Jiabao, that have embarrassed and angered the party.

NEW ATMOSPHERE

Other signatories of the letter saw the leadership transition as an opportunity to make a push against graft.

"It's a good chance to create a new atmosphere," said Hu Xingdou, a professor at the Beijing Institute of Technology.

"China is vigorously fighting corruption, and to fight corruption the most important thing is to establish a modern system, a system that makes officials' assets public."

Liu Xiaoyuan, a human rights lawyer and adviser to artist Ai Weiwei, China's best-known dissident, said the new leaders must set an example.

"Appeals for disclosing the assets of officials have already been going on for years and many people have high expectations of the new leadership," Liu said.

"This must start with the top echelon."

Liu acknowledged, however, that the letter might just be ignored.

"The National People's Congress has been discussing legislation on disclosing assets for more than 20 years but still, there is no outcome," he said.

Wang Quanjie, a professor at Yantai University, was more optimistic. As a former delegate to parliament, Wang had proposed numerous times that the parliament make officials reveal their assets, but to no avail.

But he said last month's congress had given him hope.

"I was genuinely inspired by the determination of the new leadership to combat graft," Wang said.

"I'm optimistic that the current situation shows new actions are imperative," he said. "Corruption has been very serious and if these problems remain unsolved, the Communist Party's leadership position will be jeopardized."

(Additional reporting by Beijing bureau; Editing by Sui-Lee Wee and Robert Birsel)

Source: http://news.yahoo.com/china-intellectuals-urge-party-leaders-disclose-wealth-112755621.html

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Pheromone helps mice remember where to find a mate

Dec. 13, 2012 ? Scientists at the University of Liverpool have found that male mice produce a pheromone that provokes females and competitor males to remember a preference for the place where the pheromone was previously encountered.

Some animals, such as moths, use a sensitive tracking system to trace airborne sex pheromones to the source, while others, such as snakes, follow trails of pheromones left on the ground. A team from the University's Institute of Integrative Biology has discovered that mice use a different system to locate mates and competitors by remembering exactly where they have encountered a male sex pheromone called darcin.

Instinctively attracted

Darcin is a small protein in the urine scent marks of male mice. Although not detected from a distance, females that explore scent-marked areas are instinctively attracted to spend time near this pheromone when they come into contact with it.

The research, published in the journal Science, shows that the pheromone stimulates very rapid learning of spatial cues associated with its location, so that females remember a preference for this location when they return to the area.

Males use the same mechanism to remember the location of rival male scents, making contact with darcin when they detect a male's scent that is not their own. The ability to remember and rapidly relocate sites scent marked by other males will help them to drive off rivals and to counter-mark with their own scent.

Dr Sarah Roberts, from the University's Institute of Integrative Biology, said: "We have shown that a male sex pheromone in mice makes females and competitor males remember exactly where they encountered the pheromone and show a preference for this site for up to two weeks afterwards. Given the opportunity, they will find that same place again, even if they encountered the scent only once and the scent is no longer there."

Spatial map of attractive males

Professor Jane Hurst, who leads the University's Mammalian Behaviour and Evolution Group, explains: "This attraction to the place they remember is just as strong as attraction to the scent itself. Darcin, therefore, induces mice to learn a spatial map of the location of attractive males and their scents, to which they can easily return. This avoids the difficulty of having to detect specific scents from a distance and trace them to their source.

"Pheromones are used for sexual attraction and for advertising an animal's location in many species, particularly among mammals. It will be interesting to discover whether such highly potent associative learning is induced by pheromones in other species and to understand the brain mechanisms involved."

The research is funded by the Biotechnology and Biological Science Research Council (BBSRC) and the Natural Environment Research Council (NERC).

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Story Source:

The above story is reprinted from materials provided by University of Liverpool.

Note: Materials may be edited for content and length. For further information, please contact the source cited above.

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Journal Reference:

1. S. A. Roberts, A. J. Davidson, L. McLean, R. J. Beynon, J. L. Hurst. Pheromonal Induction of Spatial Learning in Mice. Science, 2012; 338 (6113): 1462 DOI: 10.1126/science.1225638

Note: If no author is given, the source is cited instead.

Disclaimer: Views expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of ScienceDaily or its staff.

Source: http://feeds.sciencedaily.com/~r/sciencedaily/top_news/top_environment/~3/F_Bqmfok-Y0/121213142305.htm

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